Conversations with God

Tears are a language God understands; a phrase or a line of a song rather I learnt as a little girl.
It seemed to have got stuck in my head.

Through life's journey I have cried for many a reason but when I cry because life's demands weigh me down and there is no one around to help me pick up the pieces of my broken life; and the world seem to be too busy to bother and help me get up...

I found out that when I am on my knees, strength usually comes back to me because I know God sees my tears!

Eggshells

Psychological battering...

I watched this waterspout from my bedroom window four years ago now.  This one stayed within the Waitemata Harbour, also known as Auckand Harbour in NZ.  There was no casualty nor damage to properties by this waterspout on this day.  But just a few months before this at around midday, without warning another one struck the Albany area and traveled a long way ripping out malls, houses, cars; uprooting and tossing away trees and taking one life. It happened so quick, yet the devastation was horrific.  In between the damaged houses was the odd houses here and there untouched, as if nothing happened.

Sometimes like these ill-weather; some people can come to our lives and create a dark environment through their actions and their attitude towards others.  The kinds who will plow through everyone else just so they can have their own way or expectations.  There will be some of us who will give-in; but there will also be some of us who will not budge; choosing to remain calm and safe with the knowledge that we are grounded. 

Short of Approval

There are times our emotional needs are not being met by the very people we love. That it is a basic human tendency to thrive well in situations or conditions where we are or our contributions are acknowledged and appreciated.  My tendency when my emotional needs are not being met is to withdraw; to recoil inside myself or walk away. Relationships only work when each person looks after and go outside their comfort zones to meet the emotional needs of the other.  It is not a one way highway.

A Much Needed Inventory

We often run ourselves down acting like superwomen and supermen!  Especially individuals who are high achievers or overly passionate; the kinds who develop tunnel vision during the course of a project; the perfectionists, the kinds that make things happen, and the loving, giving, caring types.  So much so that we give our utmost and often forget to leave enough for ourselves.

One thing I know is that people get use to thinking that (because you are good with what you do, you can make things happen, good at giving and offering solutions to others' issues) you don't need help.  I wish they understand that even a strong a person needs a helping hand now and then.

So if you are one of the ones mentioned above; take your "me time" because you deserve it!  It pays to look after ourselves, because nobody else will do it better than we can!

Silent Screams

(Click on the poem to enlarge)

Three months after my arrival in Mackay I found a lump on my left breast one morning while in bed.  At that time I didn't have a GP, a medicare  card, a bank account and my NZ drivers licence just over the three months I was allowed to use it.  

My only option was to go to the Base Hospital but as expected I was asked to see a GP. Can't remember now why I had to wait before I could do my mammogram, something to do with a public holiday.  I was at that time (not knowing there is a community health service) told I have to pay.  Paying was my least of my worries.  Four nights I couldn't sleep and one of those nights I basically cried in bed.

Not wanting to wake my husband in his sleep, I got up and sat and penned 'Silent Screams'.  My thoughts of Breast Cancer, why so soon?  My husband and I just starting a new life together; I had dreams and plans, I had a bucket list to do in Mackay.  But most of all I cried for my little grand daughter who's just a year and a few months old at that time.  So I prayed that this be taken away from me; if I were alone I know I will weep and sob and wail and beg for the Lord to give me more time to see my grand daughter grow!  But I wasn't alone hence the 'Silent Screams'. 

NB:                                                                                                                                                                                                   I wrote this during the year I arrived in Mackay; it was published online in May 2014 but has taken it down a year or so later.

The other face of Depression

There is such a stigma attached to Depression.  Sometimes the word is used or conveyed in such a way as to make the person with depression feel not as good, weak or not having a right frame of mind.  

The funny thing is we all do experience Depression; in varying degrees.  Some get stuck and need help and others seem to be able to pull themselves together without help.  I have suffered from it due to varying reasons.  I believe what enables me to pick up the broken pieces each time is my faith as a Christian.  Faith is a very important stronghold a person could have.  It gives you something to look up to, something to hang on to, something to carry you through a dark passage.  Prayers too I believe were my saving grace; it can help bring peace of mind back as well as an outlet for pent - up anger, guilt or hopelessness.  It seemed to take away all my built up anxiety, dark ideas and negative emotions.

Above is my own take on Depression; if a person can wade through the darkness and see the positive gifts of Depression, it can turn a depressed person to a brave warrior!